Our beloved French bulldog, Lucie, was more to us than a pet, she was family.
She would sleep under the covers and then startle us in the middle of the night - if our feet got too close, she would bounce up and run away.
On Lucie's birthday, she delivered my then-fiance’s engagement ring as I surprised her one breakfast morning (if you haven't figured it out yet, Dana said "Yes.").
Lucie also welcomed our son when he was born and was ever so gentle with him as he grew.
So, it was a heartbreaking decision when we had to put her to sleep on October 23, 2017 due to breathing complications.
(A few of our last photos with Lu-Bat)
The next Monday at work, I brought up with a workmate the fact that I had put Lucie to sleep.
The person’s response?
“Well my dog is sick right now and she needs to go to the doctor. I think there’s something wrong with her breathing.”
They continued to talk about their pet’s ailments.
I was shocked and annoyed.
I wanted someone to lean on at that moment of pain, not a person who would just use the conversation to talk about their LIVING dog's woes. From that point forward, I had such a different perspective of them that I never could shake off.
I noticed every. single. time. I would talk to them the conversation would always eventually go back to what issues they were facing. It was as if they were trying to one-up me on the hardship/tragedy scale. I avoided talking about my personal life anymore with them or even ask about theirs.
We all need to be mindful of this term - CONVERSATIONAL NARCISSISM.
Essentially, it’s getting any conversation to come back to you so you remain the center of attention.
Too many people can be everyday conversational narcissists without even realizing it. In this day and age of social media, it's an epidemic.
And yet, four easy steps can help you improve your relationships with others while also avoiding being a jerk. This applies to colleagues, significant others, dates, and even people you talk to on the street.
I call it MAKING THE S.A.L.E - Four Easy Ways to Avoid Being a Conversational Narcissist :
SUPPORT.
ASK.
LISTEN.
EMPATHIZE.
The first part of this process requires that you provide a SUPPORT versus SHIFT response. These are two responses in which psychologists can uncover whether or not someone is a conversational narcissist.
For instance, my insensitive colleague SHIFTED the focus back to their sick dog, making the conversation all about them when I wanted somebody to help process my grief.
A good SUPPORT response would have been, “That must have been a hard night for you. How are you handling things?” or even, “I'm very sorry to hear that. What can I do to help?”
Showing that you support the other person in their time of need goes a long way to ensure you care about them.
ASKING is another part of the equation.
When you ask questions, you demonstrate to the other person that you’re interested in their feedback or conversation. You're not just a sounding wall for your own voice.
Years ago, I had a conversation at a bar with an individual named Reed.
Reed talked to me about his personal philosophies, his political leanings, and his thoughts on gun control.
Actually, it wasn't a conversation. It was a soliloquy - after five minutes, he was still talking.
I couldn't get away because everyone else was in their own conversations at the moment. I looked at the clock on the bar wall to start timing him.
When I glanced at the clock TWENTY MINUTES LATER, I was shortly (and thankfully) rescued by a friend who wanted to chat.
Reed did not pause once to have a genuine conversation with me.
If you want to know a person, ASK about their life. It shows interest, compassion, and (most significantly) that you’re not a conversational abyss like Reed.
Just as critical to ask questions is to LISTEN without judgment or readying to react.
There’s a popular concept in college classrooms called The Socratic Method, where the person uses questions to draw out answers from another person to stimulate critical thinking.
However, I've had a few supervisors that would use a corrupted version of it on me. They didn't do it to help me think critically, they did it with an ulterior motive: to make it look like I was providing input before they gave me their decision.
[ The following is a true story. The names and situation have been altered slightly. ]
"Bevan, what are you thoughts on this? I'd love to them because I'd like to share your ideas with leadership.”
"I think we should go with Group B."
"Why?"
"Well, Group A is charging more and they're just ok. They're not wowing. Overall, I think we should with Group B."
"Group B was very impressive, but why them over Group C?"
"Group B is charging less AND they have a better plan. Group C is charging less but don't have the capabilities of what we want.
"Thanks! I'll consider that and make sure to let the higher-ups know.”
Ten minutes later I discover via email this supervisor went with Group A.
I found out later that this person had the same conversation separately with three other people. They all said the same things as I did - Group B was their pick.
They completely ignored our advice and went with their own pick.
I lost respect for that supervisor because it showed immediately they didn’t truly value what we had to add to the conversation. Listening to the other person and valuing their answers is just as crucial as asking them questions.
The final way to avoid being that conversational narcissist is to EMPATHIZE with the other person’s plight.
When my mother passed away in 2012, I lost a huge part of my being. She was the person I always turned to for advice when I struggled.
A few months after I had buried my mom, I had an outpouring of friends that wanted nothing but to cheer me up. However, there was one "friend" I will never forget.
During our conversation, they tried to relay some words of encouragement: “I remember when I lost my job. I felt like I didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless.”
Now look, I’m sure this person was trying to comfort me in their own way and perhaps wanted to reach across the awkwardness to relate to my pain, but it was an odd and very insulting thing to say.
I've kept my distance from them since then because all I think about when I see them is what they said to me.
A simple rule of thumb: if you don’t know what to say when someone is in pain or grieving, just ask if you can give them a hug. Or just sit there and be with them.
🌟
It beats meaningless or unsympathetic conversation.
SUPPORT. ASK. LISTEN. EMPATHIZE.
We all can be conversational narcissists concerned about our own issues, but if you make that SALE, the investment you provide will pay more dividends in the long run.
Show others that you’re there for them without intruding on their moment. It's not your spotlight to bask in just then.
Have conversations, not monologues.
Genuinely listen to and respect what others have to offer. We'd all get along so much better in the workplace and in our lives.
And if at any moment you find one of your colleagues, significant others, dates, or even YOU are being a conversational narcissist...
Reconsider your relationship.
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